


Lights On

by grandmelon



Category: Free!
Genre: Friendship, Friendship/Love, Love, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-21
Updated: 2015-05-21
Packaged: 2018-03-31 12:18:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3977716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grandmelon/pseuds/grandmelon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You still awake?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lights On

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this was a tough one to write. I don’t really know where it came from but it’s been sitting with me for a while now so I just had to write it. When I thought about it I just couldn’t let it go.
> 
> I don’t write anything graphic about it, it’s meant to be a healing scene for the character. Please, please, Please do not read this if you can’t. Don’t try to force yourself through it. 
> 
> Anyone who does read this please remember that everyone is different, everyone’s experiences and the way they experience them are different. Do not ever think that the way one person handles what happened to them is the way all people do. 
> 
> http://www.childmolestationprevention.org/pages/resources.html#web_resources
> 
> Please tell me if there are any glaring spelling and grammar errors or mistakes so that I may fix them.

 

“You still awake?” Rin grumbled, rubbing his eyes as they tried to focus on the blur of light next to him. Sousuke was lying on his side facing the wall, the bright light of his phone illuminating the bunk bed. Rin flipped over and encased the other in his arms, smiling when he felt the other jump. Sousuke pulled out his earbuds and peered over his shoulder back at Rin.

 

“Rin?”

 

“Why are you still awake?” Rin huffed with a laugh and rubbed his forehead against Sousuke’s neck. Sousuke turned back, clicked his phone so the screen would turn black, and wrapped his hand around Rin’s.

 

“Sorry, we can go to sleep now.”

 

“Nah, already woke up. Besides it wasn’t your fault, I was having a dream,” Rin hummed into his back. He wasn’t lying, he had woken up naturally but he was surprised that Sousuke was still up. He wondered if he was moving in his sleep, though from how loud Sousuke had his music he’s sure if he had made any embarrassing noises the other boy wouldn’t have noticed.

 

“A dream? What was it about?” Sousuke murmured, weaving his fingers around his. Sousuke shifted back into Rin’s embrace and stiffened up for a second before he started to laugh. “Really Rin?”

 

“Stop moving already.” Rin pouted as he squeezed his leg around Sousuke’s thigh. “Can’t help it, it’s a natural reaction. Besides it’s your fault it’s like this anyways.”

 

“What? What’d I do?” Sousuke laughed more as Rin scowled but his mouth snapped shut when Rin’s hand left his and started to slide against his stomach. “Rin?”

 

“I’ll show you, idiot,” Rin chuckled to himself, seeking his revenge. He let his fingertips slip below Sousuke’s waistband and felt Sousuke tremble. He leaned over and kissed Sousuke’s neck as he dipped is hand lower when he heard a quiet gasp.

 

“Rin.”

 

Rin froze at the desperate voice that came out of Sousuke’s mouth. That wasn’t a pleasured kind of desperate. He pulled back a little and tried to see what kind of face Sousuke was making in the darkness.

 

“Sousuke? What’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing,” Sousuke said in a rushed voice and a hand grabbed at Rin’s, which was now settled on top of Sousuke’s stomach. “It’s fine.”

 

“We don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Rin reminded him, confused at why he sounded like that if he was okay with going on. “It’s really not a big deal.”

 

“It’s fine Rin, just,” Sousuke breathed, “just turn on the light first.”

 

“The light?” Rin sat up fully, completely lost now. What was going on? Why did the light need to be on?

 

“Please just turn on the lights.”

 

“Okay, hold on.” Rin scrambled off the bed and turned on the light. Sousuke, Rin found after blinking away his temporary blindness to see the other, had his face hidden from him. He walked back over to the bed and sat down on it, reaching his hand out and taking Sousuke’s in his. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing, come on let’s continue.” Sousuke’s face showed both relief and pain and Rin was starting to get worried.

 

“Sousuke,” Rin warned. Sousuke just frowned and leaned up to kiss Rin, pulling him into it. Rin stayed firm, keeping his lips sealed tight.

 

“It’s nothing,” Sousuke insisted, and Rin pulled back and placed his other hand up over Sousuke’s lips. When he was stopped he looked distressed and Rin knew this wasn’t something he could ignore. Sousuke was seriously trying to avoid talking about something. He was trying to cover it up with kisses and honestly it was starting to tick Rin off.

 

“Sousuke tell me what’s wrong. Why are acting like that? And why did you want the light on?”

 

“I,” Sousuke sighed. He leaned away from Rin and curling in on himself, glancing away. “I was just nervous.”

 

“Nervous? Of what?” Rin asked, bewildered by the explanation.

 

“I don’t know. I just, didn’t feel good. It’s not your fault. Shit.” Sousuke looked angry and upset. He pulled his legs up to him and grabbed at the back of his head, pushing it down between his knees. Rin hadn’t seen him do that since they were kids. It was Sousuke’s most childish and biggest teller when something was bothering him. Rin would cry or throw a tantrum, forcing his emotions outward, but Sousuke internalized everything.

 

“Sousuke what’s going on, seriously.” Rin intertwined their fingers, holding his free hand tight. “You’re scaring me here.”

 

The self-loathing radiating off of him was palpable. Sousuke gave Rin a pathetic look before pulling him into a hug. He started to whisper apologizes against his skin and although Rin allowed it to happen he wasn’t going to be placated by just that. What happened earlier wasn’t normal. He almost seemed afraid. It wasn’t like he was going to hurt him, and they've done more serious things with each other before.

 

“It’s stupid, I don’t even know if it’s a real memory,” Sousuke whispered into his shoulder.

 

“Memory?” Rin blinked and hugged Sousuke a little tighter, combing his hand through his hair.

 

“I can’t sleep in the dark,” Sousuke admitted pulling back and keep his eyes trained on Rin’s shirt. Rin gaped in surprise before closing his mouth and humming. “I don’t really get much sleep unless I have music playing, or a light on.”

 

“So the napping,” Rin interrupted before shutting his mouth. It hadn’t been that long since they started to sleep in the same bed together so he hadn’t noticed. He was always quick to sleep and early to rise anyways. “Why are you afraid of the dark?”

 

“Not the dark. Just, just sleeping in the dark,” Sousuke rushed to amend. Rin frowned at the unusualness of his tone and speech.

 

“Okay, so why?”

 

Sousuke looked up at Rin and frowned, a deep, unhappy frown before glancing back down and grabbing both his hands. His fingers were cold and his palms were sweaty. Rin felt something cold and hard settle in his stomach.

 

“I had a dream, or, or a memory. I don’t know what it is actually,” Sousuke whispered.

 

“Can you tell me about it?” Rin asked, and Sousuke just gave him a pathetic attempt of a smile. Even when he was this bothered he was still trying to reassure Rin he was alright.

 

“I think it’s a memory, but I can’t remember anything specific so I don’t know. I’ve had dreams of it though, for a long time now. Not, there not really frequent. It’s not like I get them every day, but I’ve had them a few times and it’s the same dream.”

 

Rin rubbed circles against the back of his hands, trying to get some blood flowing. His fingers felt like ice and the rest of him didn’t look much better they felt. Sousuke’s eyes were focused on their hands, watching them as he chewed on his chap lips. He didn’t look like he was afraid, but the look in his eyes gave no comfort, remembering whatever it was that was bothering him. Rin didn’t comment, but he knew that Sousuke was down playing it.

 

“I was in the living room of a house I don’t know, I think it was my cousin’s, and we were sleeping on futons. There were two others sleeping out there with me. I don’t know who they were but they were kids too, and we were sleeping, it was really dark in that house.” Sousuke stopped and squeezed Rin’s hand, taking in a slow breath. Rin felt a knot growing in his throat, large and painful, making it harder to breathe. Sousuke always naturally looked tired, but in that moment he just looked dead, lifeless.

 

“Someone, they came in the dark and said something, they were whispering in my ear and I couldn’t move. I think it was my aunt,” he whispered, his eyes starting to glaze over with coming tears. “I was afraid of what they were saying, but I can’t remember it no matter how hard I try. And then a hand, they started touching me,” Sousuke choked out, squeezing his eyes shut.

 

Rin froze, loosing precious seconds, stunned by the news. He had feared for the worse as things went on but hearing it made his ears ring. He forced himself to recover and lunged forward, wrapping his arms around Sousuke, as tight as he could manage. He felt his heart stutter. Sousuke wrapped his arms around his waist and squeezed him even tighter. Rin’s body ached under his arms, but not as much as his heart did.

 

Rin hadn’t thought much of it before, not when he had Haru and Makoto around, but Sousuke was a little averse to starting a sexual relationship at first. Rin hadn’t pushed it, thinking that Sousuke may be like his friends, but Sousuke hadn’t shied too far from it, and eventually they stepped over that line. Still the memory of it became flying back at Rin like a punch to the gut. A million little signs, little red flags started popping up in his mind and he felt an utter fool for not noticing any of them.

 

“I know it was you. I know it’s you in my head and I know the one who was touching me just now was you, so why,” Sousuke cried out in frustration, pressing harder against him.

 

“Sousuke, that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if it’s me. It doesn’t matter if it’s a memory or a dream,” he breathed, “what you’re feeling now is real.” Rin could hear his heart pulsating in his ears. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t noticed, couldn’t believe he had done something to bring back a memory so awful he couldn’t even begin to understand it. How could he have hurt the one he loved like that without even knowing?

 

“But I,” Sousuke protested and Rin kissed the top of his head firmly.

 

“Stop that. Don’t feel bad. I know you love me, and I know you’d try to make yourself okay with it, but don’t. I won’t do that again,” Rin asserted with a firm tone.

 

“But I don’t want you to stop,” Sousuke pleaded. “I don’t want you to be nervous about what you should be doing with me. I am okay with it, I was just surprised.”

 

Sousuke’s eyes were wide and desperate and Rin felt nauseous. He felt like he was lied to, like it was some awful, disgusting, sick joke, but there was nothing in the tone of his voice, the look in his eye, or the nature of his personality that could help him deny it. He stopped those train of thoughts as quick as they came, because this wasn’t about it. Nothing he could ever feel could come close to what Sousuke had experienced. There was just no way. One of the greatest, if not the greatest violence towards a child had happened to him. To Sousuke. His Sousuke.

 

“Sousuke,” Rin cooed, kissing his cheek and pulling him into another tight hug. “I’m never going to do anything you don’t want to do, so stop forcing yourself. I’m happy with you. I want you to be happy too. It’s not going to kill me if we go at your pace.”

 

Sousuke’s head dropped onto Rin’s shoulder and his grip loosened. A small wet spot started to form on Rin’s shirt, and he could feel Sousuke’s hot and harsh breath against his chest. He whispered words into the dampening cotton. “It’s not like I’ve ever minded going at your pace.”

 

There was a long silence, or maybe it was short, but it was deafening in Rin’s ears. He wasn’t sure what to say at first, but he tried to speak anyway. He tried to settle Sousuke’s doubts as best as he could, to comfort him as best as he could.

 

“Then I’ll make sure to turn the lights on first,” Rin promised.

 

Sousuke and Rin sat in silence again after that. For a long time they were just hugging each other, before Sousuke started talking more about it. He talked about how it was before he had met Rin and that was why he was so tired in the morning when they were young. He talked about how listening to music help distracted him, and how hard it was because he still can’t be sure what happened or who it was, or if any of it was even real.

 

He confessed about how scary not knowing is for him, and how he’s never slept over at anyone’s house after that besides Rin’s. That going to boarding school was really tough at first, but he got through it because his mom got him an mp3 player and his roommate happened to be a kid who liked staying up super late. That it was easier when he could lock the door.

 

Sousuke told Rin about how it doesn’t bother him to touch each other when the lights are on. He explained that the reason why he was hesitant was because he was worried. He was always so repulsed by the idea of other people touching him and even though he didn't fear Rin he was worried that when they did something he might have reacted badly.

 

He confessed that even touching himself had disgusted him half the time, and it was terrifying when everyone around him started getting interested in sex. He was scared of himself when he thought that it might be okay with Rin, although he never thought about it in detail. And it was, he assured, because Rin made it his choice and never even pressured him into thinking about it. Everything between them was mutual and Rin always took good making sure it stayed that way.

 

He told him that even normal physical gestures and affections bothered him, but with Rin it was always okay. That he grew to like the way Rin’s mom and sister touched him, and that he’s learned to deal with most physical affections from others. He was ashamed to admit that he was actually afraid of Rin’s mom at first, and how he thinks she knew something was wrong but never said anything.

 

They talk and they talk and they talk it all out, and not many things were fixed but it was the first time Sousuke’s told anyone. He told Rin how it felt better finally telling him, but he was mad at himself that he made Rin upset. Rin expressed to Sousuke that it was okay and that he shouldn’t worry about him being upset. How he was upset and angry at what had happened, and wished Sousuke had told him sooner but was glad he told him at all.

 

Sousuke feels a little lighter after that.


End file.
